Why, when I am a natural blonde, have I been cursed - cursed I tell you - with the pelt of an otter on my legs?
Actually, not an otter, because I think sleek, glossy brown fur would be a) insulating and b) rather beautiful. If I could grow a thick pelt, I might look like a sort of lady faun. A sexy Mrs Tumnus, in my high heels, with my twinkly eyes. And my furry buttocks.
But no, I have nasty, dark hairs that seem to morph from relatively innocuous blonde to black as soon as I bare my legs on a sunny day. The worst are the ones on the back of my thighs. Not the downy, sparse blonde hair, gleaming in the sunlight I imagine when I feel them. Actually, thick and -in comparison to my Scottish-Blue complexion - DARK DARK and slightly curled. Like my pubes have sent out a mission with a view to colonising.
In fact, it all feels a bit like guerrilla (gorilla?? Oh Ha bloody Ha) warfare down there. There's an inexhaustible supply and appetite for sacrifice among the enemy personnel. No matter what weaponry I use, on they come. On... on... on. I shave, they come. I wax, they come. More expensive weaponry, more blood, sweat and tweezers, here they come, over the crest of the hill. Marching, marching, marching on. It's my superior technology versus their sheer force of numbers.
Okay, so if you're Mediterranean, you're looking at me as if to say "get over it, girl. I've been doing this since I was 12". BUT... BUT.. my dusky friends... now add in the corned beef legs, the broken veins, the not-being-able-to-hang-up-a-washing-without-getting-sunburnt. In May. Where's my compensation? Eh? You have your delicious skin tone that means, once those legs are smooth, you can just bare your legs. Like that. Without thinking. Not me. To get my legs smooth and lightly tanned, is hours of work. Even the palest fake tan looks like orange streaks against my stilton-y legs. By the time my legs are summer-ready, the leaves are falling off the trees.
Maybe this is my punishment for being a bit vain about my fast-growing and luxuriant head hair *swishes in slow-motion*. Probably. I'll just have to keep being a trouser girl.